Does one ever remember the first thrust, the depth or density of the pain? Be it caused by a verbal statement, abandonment, separation, or even an act of thoughtlessness, not visible to the eye, no blood loss or sign for either the perpetrator or the world to see.
Silently hibernating, with time left undisturbed there is a strong belief that the wound and have no doubt it is a wound, may possibly begin to heal. It’s only when the blows keep coming year after year, that the churning awakens the sleeping wound to conjoin pain old and new, therefore the perfect recipe for base mistrust is born.
With every occurrence it’s inevitable eventually an internal armour forms, self-protection is an automatic reaction in any life form. The effect on the victim can be emotionally crippling, leaving some driven to unsocial behaviour, which without intervention can and often does result in the person metering out the same type of negative treatment to those around them, including their own children.
Others while drifting through the years feeling isolated, not knowing why, somehow sensing things aren’t as they should be, albeit unable to put their finger on any one thing. Any slight or letdown becomes magnified out of proportion to the actual deed done. Gradually it becomes easier to not emotionally bond with anyone, being safer to pretend the feelings are there, no bonding, no slights, it’s elementary no pain. For one in this spiral, in reality the only way is down, often coming to a head over a supposed slight or letdown what could be thought of as the final straw.
In the case I am aware of, once this occurred, it resulted in a three-month stay in a psychiatric hospital followed by many years of therapy. Having to start all over again, learning what hadn’t been taught in the beginning, that life isn’t always fun, and when we get knocked down, it is healthier to get up and face the attacker rather than hide from it.
It has been over forty years since the day that she realised, the reason she drifted through the first twenty-five years of life feeling insignificant and so alone, her ability to trust all humanity which included herself, was in her growing up years whittled away by her carers until completely lost to her.
Once she is able to accept that, and learn to trust herself, trusting others would hopefully become possible. Her inability to totally trust is still a burden she bears, although made a little lighter knowing I being her friend fully understand and will always be here for her.